Day: July 24, 2003

Ever wonder what “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” might sound like if had been written by William Faulkner? Well, wonder no more: the winner of the 2003 Faux Faulkner Contest answers that very question. And the author even manages to sneak in the word “ratiocination”, without which no Faulkner story would be complete. Found through kottke.org, where I also discovered this winner of the 2003 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white…Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn’t taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

Much better, I must say, than my own attempt at Bulwer-Lytton-like prose last year.

Yesterday, I received the following e-mail:

Hello,

I’m a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Since nobody here seems to be able to get me what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circut to get where I need myself. I am going to need an easy to follow picture diagram for a simple time travel circut, which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any schematics you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use. Or if you have the rechargeable AMD dimensional warp generator wrist watch unit available, and are 100% certain you have a (secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply. Send a separate email to me at: info@federalfundingprogram.com.

Do not reply back directly to this email as it will only be bounced back to you.

And although there’s evidence to suggest this is either an e-mail harvesting scam or the ravings of a mentally unwell individual, I wrote back. Posing as Dr. Emmet Brown at fluxcapacitor03@yahoo.com, I wrote:

Dear Sir,

I have been fooled too many times in the past by what I thought were potential investors in my innovative (for 2003) time travel circuitry. I regret that before I can send either schematics or parts safely to you, I must be assured of the legitimacy of your claim and ask for some proof that you are indeed a time traveler, preferably in the form of winning lottery numbers or the outcome of upcoming sporting events. Your immediate response will help insure my cooperation.

Yours sincerely,

E. L. Brown, Ph.D.

About an hour later, someone named “Bob Gately” wrote back:

another dishonest time traveler who uses his equipment for financial gain!! I will in no way be involved with cheaters

To which I answered:

Dear Sir,

I must apologize for that rather poor joke on my part. Although my comments were meant only in jest, I fear that the strains of living in this benighted, backward century have begun to take their toll even on my already meager sense of humor. I assure you, however, that I do not wish to disrupt the timeline simply for personal profit, nor do I truly wish for you to send me winning lottery numbers or sports statistics. (Although, admittedly, it might’ve been nice to know who was going to win “American Idol” ahead of time.)

You did, however, indicate that you would “pay good money”, which, I am afraid, is of the utmost importance if I am to continue my research and return us both to our original times. More important, however, is proof that you are who and what you say you are. I have been fooled repeatedly by disreputable characters who claimed to be, but were in fact not, time travelers. I have schematics which could prove invaluable to the cause, but I am extremely hesitant to hand them over without first proving the validity of your claim.

I would hate to think you’re simply another spammer in need of medication or psychological counselling.

Sincerely,

Emmett L. Brown, Ph.D.

So far, there’s been no second reply. Which, all things being equal, is probably for the best.