Ever wonder what “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” might sound like if had been written by William Faulkner? Well, wonder no more: the winner of the 2003 Faux Faulkner Contest answers that very question. And the author even manages to sneak in the word “ratiocination”, without which no Faulkner story would be complete. Found through kottke.org, where I also discovered this winner of the 2003 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:
They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white…Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn’t taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.
Much better, I must say, than my own attempt at Bulwer-Lytton-like prose last year.