From “Love Me by Garrison Keillor, which I read over lunch:

He said to me, “Writers like to think that writing is like Arctic exploration or flying the Atlantic solo, but actually it’s more like golf. You’ve got to just do it and be happy. Some writers spend twenty minutes lining up a four-foot putt. Some writers pitch a tent on the green and stay for a week and brood about friction and energy and the gender of their putter. What’s the problem? Take your shot. It’s no shame to bogey. Just do it and have a good time. Don’t base your whole life on worrying about whether you’re any good or not. If you need to know, you shouldn’t be playing this game.” And he tapped the ball and it snaked across the turf and caught the corner of the cup and fell in for a birdie, and he chuckled a low warm chuckle and then it took me four putts to traverse the six feet to the cup, a sort of star-shaped putt, and we trundled off to the clubhouse. Not the greatest round I ever shot, but I am still in the game.

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Ever wonder what “Goldilocks and the Three Bears” might sound like if had been written by William Faulkner? Well, wonder no more: the winner of the 2003 Faux Faulkner Contest answers that very question. And the author even manages to sneak in the word “ratiocination”, without which no Faulkner story would be complete. Found through kottke.org, where I also discovered this winner of the 2003 Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest:

They had but one last remaining night together, so they embraced each other as tightly as that two-flavor entwined string cheese that is orange and yellowish-white, the orange probably being a bland Cheddar and the white…Mozzarella, although it could possibly be Provolone or just plain American, as it really doesn’t taste distinctly dissimilar from the orange, yet they would have you believe it does by coloring it differently.

Much better, I must say, than my own attempt at Bulwer-Lytton-like prose last year.