Sequels, prequels and remakes, oh my!
- A remake of Sleuth starring Jude Law and Michael Caine. This one actually seems pretty interesting. The original’s not half bad, but it’s not what I’d call a classic or anything.
- A prequel to John Carpenter’s The Thing…taking place, what? I guess however many millions of years earlier when the Thing first arrived on Earth and got itself frozen? Should be a blast, that.
- Another sequel to Species, because against all odds the third one appears to have made some money back on DVD.
- Another sequel to The Mummy. Of course, title-wise, I don’t where there is left to go after The Mummy Returns. The Mummy’s Still Here? That’s My Mummy!? Mummy and Robin?
- An Americanized Vicar of Dibbley. (I haven’t seen Little Brittain, but apparently they’re working to remake that, too.) With a few very notable exceptions, American remakes of British television die pretty quick and ignoble deaths. But hey, who knows?
- Francis Ford Coppola’s The Conversation as a weekly television series. I could definitely see updating this, with today’s modern surveillance equipment, but I think it would be tough to sustain over a long-running series. A lot of the original film rests on Gene Hackman’s terrific performance.
- A Bloodrayne sequel? Okay, now Uwe Boll is just fucking with us.
- A remake of Near Dark? But…why?1
- A Friday the 13th remake? Again, I ask, why? The original is interesting only in so far as that it’s actually a pretty lousy horror movie; it’s remembered mostly for its many sequels, which weren’t that much better, but I guess the world was just hungry for a serial killer in a hockey mask at the time. That serial killer isn’t in the first Friday the 13th movie, and therein, for me, lies pretty much the only interesting thing about the film. A lot of recent American horror movies seem more interested in ramping up the sadism than the scares, not really frightening us but making us uncomfortable with scenes of brutal, disgusting, and even overly elaborate torture. (Little shock, given our current President.) The producer of this planned remake also produced the most recent Texas Chainsaw Massacre movies and the Amityville Horror remake, so I’m not filled with much, if any confidence.
- A sequel to WarGames. I’m sounding like a broken record here2, but I really have to wonder why. And, from the description, the planned movie sounds a lot more like a remake — or, maybe more accurately, a rip-off — of the original film. It sounds, in fact, like the WarGames title was attached to fend off charges of being a rip-off. “We know it’s a lot like WarGames, they can say. It’s not unoriginal, it’s a sequel!” Heavy sigh.
And these are just the ones I’ve read about recently.
1 Greil Marcus of Salon once suggested that Jim Jarmusch’s Dead Man was, in a roundabout way, a sort of prequel to Near Dark, or at the very least that the two films shared a character played by Lance Henriksen. I could never tell if she was joking or not. I don’t think the evidence really backs this up — Henriksen’s characters have different names, for one thing — but the idea always interested me. There’s no reason they couldn’t be the same character, or at least none that couldn’t be easily explained. Either way, both good movies, neither of which need a remake.
2 It occurs to me now that this expression really doesn’t make a lot of sense. A broken record doesn’t sound like much of anything. What this means to say is a skipping record. That’s what repeats itself. So why isn’t that what we say? Just an observation.