A magical mystery tour de force?

So I don’t know what you did all day, but I spent way too much time coming up with fake Beatles facts over on my Twitter account, when I wasn’t working on a student counseling book or attending presentations on magazine publishing. (I hate to jinx myself, but so far this week has bucked a recent trend of very busy Tuesdays and Wednesdays.) Anyway, I don’t usually repost Twitter content here, except in the ever-changing feed in the sidebar, but I got a kick out of writing these and actually think some of them are pretty funny. Your mileage may vary. Here they are:

Contrary to popular belief, and mainly for tax reasons, the bulk of “Yellow Submarine” was not recorded underwater.

“Ringo Starr” is an anagram for “Tsar Nirrog,” betraying the drummer’s shared Russian and Middle-Earthian parentage.

“Fixing a Hole” was inspired by McCartney’s lifelong love of archeology. He was, in fact, later the model for Indiana Jones.

The Beatles were originally known as the Quarrymen, due to their original job as the house band on Tom Baker’s Doctor Who.

Often misquoted as saying “we’re more popular than cheeses now,” Lennon was referring only to Gouda and Gruyère specifically.

Beatlemania is a legitimate psychological condition recognized by the DSM-IV in 1994. There is no known therapeutic cure.

To honor the song of the same name, Liverpool celebrates “eight days a week,” disrupting calendars and the tourist trade both.

“Yo mama” jokes trace their lineage back to the Lennon/McCartney song “Your Mother Should Know.”

John Lennon is, in fact, not a walrus.

In his later years, Ringo Starr would withdraw from recording and society, changing his name to Yusuf Starkey.

The Beatles have yet to release songs to iTunes, still upset about the time Steve Jobs introduced them to marijuana in 1964.

Ringo Starr does indeed have blisters on his fingers, and wanders the English countryside showing them to any who care to see.

“Strawberry Fields Forever” was actually a taunt at the notoriously strawberry-phobic Ringo, who refused to drum on the song.

The Beatles first performed at the Cavern Club, which is where John Lennon took up his life-long passion for spelunking.

Ringo’s dreams of being the first Beatle in space were dashed when Pete Best was launched by the Soviets aboard Sputnik II.

Ed Sullivan first booked the Beatles on his show under the mistaken impression that they were the Flying Wallendas.

Fermat’s Last Theorem, predicting how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall, was finally solved in 1968 by the Beatles.

The Beatles madly loved the Beach Boys’ album Pet Sounds, mistakenly believing that Brian Wilson’s pet dog had played bass.

Though now long forgotten, the real Sgt. Pepper fought valiantly in the War of 1812 and was later knighted by Queen Victoria.

Maxwell’s Silver Hammer is now on display in the Smithsonian, although some conspiracy theorists claim it is a fake.

The Beatles were known for being technologically adept in the studio. On Let it Be, for example, Paul was replaced by a robot.

“Everybody’s Got Something to Hide Except Me and My Monkey”? Not so fast. John Lennon’s monkey was a notorious tax cheat.

“Hey Jude” was a sly tribute to American comedienne and accordionist Judy Tenuta. Ringo was allegedly a fan.

Charles Manson found inspiration in “Helter Skelter,” but Ringo’s own “Octopus’s Garden”-style murder rampage went unremarked.

Mr. Kite has actually not benefited at all from the Beatles, despite years of painful contract and royalty arbitration.

“Mean Mr. Mustard” would be the Beatles’ first and only commercial jingle, a failed attempt to market Grey Poupon to teens.

I don’t know if I amused more than annoyed my Twitter followers with these today, but I had fun with them.

8 thoughts on “A magical mystery tour de force?

  1. The Beatles were originally known as the Quarrymen, due to their original job as the house band on Tom Baker’s Doctor Who.

    *snerk* The Beatles did, by the way, make a brief appearance on Doctor Who. The Doctor and friends watched them performing on his Space-Time Visualiser. Companion-from-the-future Vicki was disappointed because she hadn’t realized they played “classical music.”

    (Um, that’s a true fact (albeit one about a fictional universe), not a made-up one. :))

    And these are all hysterical, by the way!

  2. In the interest of preservation of intentionally temporary things, here were the few I managed to come up with while I was, you know, actually working. ;P

    American Terry Gilliam was often referred to as the “Fifth Beatle” after his work in animating the classic “Yellow Submarine”

    Thought to just be a catchy record title, the Beatles were actually for sale in 1964.

    Yoko Ono was sent to destroy the Beatles by former drummer Pete Best as revenge for his firing in 1962.

    “The White Album” was named after soul singer Barry White, who introduced the Beatles to cocaine in 1966.

    George Harrison wrote “While My Guitar Gently Weeps” after Ringo dropped his guitar in a bathtub while on LSD.

    “Rockey Raccoon” was inspired by an actual raccoon who killed three people with a gun in a bar in Wyoming in 1926.

  3. Contrary to the song title, even the Beatles actually need food, shelter, clothing and huge, tax-sheltered country estates, not just love.

    There is no “i” in “Beatles,” but there is “let’s” and “eat.”

    George Harrison is the real father of Norah Jones. Paul McCartney is the real father of Stella Artois.

    Ever since the fall of the Soviet Union, John Lennon’s body has been on display at Lenin’s Tomb in Red Square three months out of every year.

    The popular product known as Sham-Wow is actually made of old recycled, re-engineered Beatles wigs.

    A single Beatles’ teardrop can provide sustenance to four third world nations and cure cancer — oh wait, sorry, that’s Chuck Norris. Never mind.

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