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I suspect I have spent just about exactly as much time actually writing as the average person my age has spent watching television, and that, as much as anything, may be the real secret here.

Boxes: What are they? Where do they come from? What do they want from us? And, more importantly, where can I find one big enough to hold all my stuff? These and other questions have weighed heavily upon the minds of Penn State students and faculty in recent months as campus-wide box shortages continue with no immediate end in sight. While the University has thus far remained silent and released no official statement concerning this growing local crisis, insiders attribute the shortages to unexpectedly massive box consumption over the summer months, as well as to the recent emergence of the paper bag as a cheap and effective alternative. Already, its portable nature and surprising ease-of-use have won many converts, but while downtown businesses are eager to cash in by catering to a newly bag-reliant clientele, many at the University are less than pleased with this recent turn of events.

“I’m less than pleased with this recent turn of events,” says Dr. Eugene Everett Curmudgeon, distinguished professor of interpretative dance and self-described boxicologist. “This isn’t the Penn State I know and love.” Curmudgeon is only one of a growing number of area residents to add his name to a petition demanding the University take action — and although these names also include three of his own imaginary friends and no less than seven of his fifteen pet cats, Curmudgeon is undeterred.

“Somebody has to take a stand,” he says. “This has gone on long enough. Did you know if you go into McClanahan’s, they won’t even ask if you want your groceries in a box anymore? Bags are nice. You can put things in bags. But it’s not the same thing. If my thirty some years at this school have taught me anything, it’s that boxes are not bags and that bags are not boxes.”

Yet the number of boxes available to students has continued to dwindle steadily each semester, and early projections for 2002 are not encouraging, according to some sources. Some student groups fear that by as early as the end of next year, Penn State could be entirely without boxes of any kind.

“I’m a little scared, yeah,” says Brian Falardadardadardar (junior-turfgrass management). “For awhile I didn’t even know there was a problem. Then I asked my roommate Dave if we had any, y’know, boxes around back to put stuff in, and he said no, he didn’t think so. That’s when I knew we were in trouble.”

It was a desire to stave off that trouble that led Falardadardadardar and some drinking buddies to establish the Nittany Box Enthusiast Society. “We meet about once a week in my dorm room,” he says. “We talk about boxes, if anybody’s seen one. Last week our secretary brought in a packing crate and that was pretty intense. I guess maybe we should try bringing new boxes into town or something, I don’t know. Right now we usually just end up getting drunk and watching kung fu.”

Getting drunk and watching kung fu may be fine University traditions, but they do little to address the drastic box shortage crisis now facing Penn State — a crisis many at the University trace back to that fateful day in the fall of 1996, when newly appointed University president Graham Spanier instituted his by now infamous Three Boxes of Cardboard Program. The plan, devised by Spanier and his closest advisors, was for every Penn State student to receive no less than three full-size cardboard boxes prior to graduation. It was, unfortunately, a complete disaster. Many students found that they could not properly care for their boxes without seeing their academic studies suffer, nor could the University afford the exorbitant cost for the repairs necessitated by frequent box neglect. Furthermore, in just the first two and a half months of the program, University health services saw the number of box-related injuries on campus skyrocket.

“Students were coming in every day with paper cuts,” says Debbie Orangusprang, a longtime Ritenour nurse. “Terrible, terrible paper cuts. There would be packing tape stuck to their fingers, box labels everywhere. It was awful.” One student, in fact, had to have pieces of cardboard removed from his spleen. “It’s nice to have someplace to put things,” says Orangusprang, “but at what cost? At what cost?”

She is not the only one to ask that question, nor the only one for whom the cost of box usage may be too dear. Tom Bobnob (senior-business administration/golf management) believes that, contrary to popular opinion, boxes represent everything that is wrong with Penn State and should, therefore, be eliminated.

“Don’t buy into that whole box-lover mentality, man,” he says. “It’s a trap, man! Boxes are traps! You gotta think outside the box, man. You gotta knock down the oppressor’s walls. The age of putting things inside of other things is at an end. A new age is at hand — the age of keeping things where they are.”

That, however, may interfere with future plans for the University, which every year attracts thousands of dollars in research and government grants for moving things from one place to another. “We simply cannot continue to keep things where they are,” says one unnamed official. “They just don’t belong there.”

Whether the University will be able to use boxes to meet its yearly thing-moving quotas remains unknown, but one thing is certainly clear: this article is over.

How to Be Funny
First, learn some funny jokes. This is imperative. Funny people know funny jokes. They’re not always telling funny jokes — that would be showing off — but they know them just the same. You can see it in their eyes. Which brings us to our next important point in being funny: funny people have funny eyes. If you want to be funny, get yourself some funny eyes. Put them in a pickle jar. Nothing says “funny” like a pickle jar full of funny eyes. Pickle jars are freaking hilarious. You know what? Forget about the eyes, just get yourself a pickle jar. I mean, really, where are you going to find a pair of funny eyes anyway? You can’t just buy them at the store. I know, I’ve tried. But pickle jars can be found just about anywhere. And they’ll only cost you the price of pickles. So just eat lots of pickles. Funny people eat lots of pickles. Buster Keaton, a comedy legend, once survived for eighteen years on a diet of nothing but seltzer water and funny pickles. I bet you didn’t know that, but it’s true! What, suddenly you’re better than Buster Keaton? Well la de da! I’ll be sure to tell him that when — oh yeah, that’s right. He’s dead. Which brings us to another important point: funny people are usually dead. You don’t have to be dead to be funny, but it couldn’t hurt. Charlie Chaplin is dead. Laurel and Hardy are dead. And can anyone really say that Bob Hope didn’t do his best work after they had shoveled him into his open yawning grave? What’s that you say? He’s still alive? Well, turn the page, read for a bit, and then come back. He should be dead by then. The man’s in his late nineties. Funny people are like that. They’re old or they’re dead and they could go at a moment’s notice. And if you want to be funny, you’ll be like that too. Sure, not all funny people are dead and not all dead people are funny, but are you really prepared to try and tell the difference? Funny people have more important things to do with their time. They’re always on the go — if they’re not moldering in the grave. They’re doing things the likes of which you can only begin to dream. Which brings us to our final important lesson in being funny: funny people are cooler than you. They have better hair, better skin, nicer shoes. They dress more appropriately, in brighter colors that are pleasing to the eye and flattering to the figure. And they don’t just pay lip service to bodily hygiene either, no sir. They wash behind those ears. They scrub between those toes. Funny people care about how they smell. Funny people smell pretty good.

How to Rob a Bank
First, find a bank. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Don’t just assume that any big building with money in it is a bank. It might not be. It might be an aquarium. Ask yourself this: are there fish? If there are fish then it’s probably not a bank. At least not a very good bank. And you’ll probably want to rob a good bank. So do some research. Use the phonebook. They won’t be expecting that. And they usually keep banks listed right up front there in the Bs. But don’t think you have to rob the first bank that’s listed there, no sir. You’ll want to scout out your location. Bank robbers are always scouting out their locations. And they have getaway cars, too, so you’ll want to make sure you have one of them. Maybe a nice red one with plush interior. And anti-lock brakes are a must. So when you’ve gotten the car and you’ve scouted the location, your next consideration of course is the gun. Yes, it’s a sad fact, but guns play an important role in any successful bank robbery. You could try distracting the teller with a rambunctious puppy dog or a tasty piece of chocolate, or you could tell the bank manager that his mother is outside in the rain and you’ll just guard the vault for him, if that’s all right, while he goes outside to bring her a towel. But trust me on this, you’ll be better off with a gun and threatening to blow everybody’s head off if the motherfuckers move. And that way you won’t have to worry about the puppy dog piddling on the carpet. Just don’t lose sight of your main objective: getting the money. Many a novice bank robber has failed in his or her endeavors because he or she forgot to get the money. Or got arrested on the way out. Which brings us to perhaps the most important part about being a bank robber: don’t get arrested on the way out. You’re almost guaranteed not to enjoy it. Chances are, the big meanies won’t even let you keep the money for when they let you out of prison. So plan accordingly, and commit your escape plan to memory. Wear a disguise if you think it will help, and most definitely do not give your real name. Your getaway car should have a full tank of gas, and if you have to go to the bathroom make sure you do so before you leave.