A Question-and-Answer Session
The following are all genuine questions taken from unreality.net search referrals. As a public service, I will periodically endeavor to answer some of them.
How can I make the furniture in Queen of the Damned?
Isn’t Queen of the Damned‘s mere existence as a movie punishment enough? Recreating the furniture in it just seems like adding insult to injury. (Also, was there furniture of note? I kept getting distracting by the lame vampires.)
Why did Shakespeare use Titania?
Because Pamela Anderson hadn’t been invented yet. Also, when writing a play that features the king and queen of Faerie as characters, it’s almost always necessary to refer to them by name.
Gillian Anderson: where is she now?
Well, I don’t think she has a GPS embedded in her skull of anything. (Those alien implants on The X-Files? Not real.) So I don’t know exactly where or anything. But if you’re wondering what she’s been doing career-wise, you could check here. My understanding is she’s in England a lot nowadays.
Will holding a mirror in front of a fish change what a fish does?
Do you want to change what a fish does? Fish swim. What is it about swimming that you think is in such dire need of change? What do you want the fish to do — write a concertina or something?
What do the people of Ichthyologist do?
Well, Ichthyologist is a proud nation steeped in tradition, its people known throughout eastern Europe for their fine, hand-tooled arts and crafts and their locally produced cheeses. (No, wait, sorry. Ichthyologists study fish.)
Who decides literary canon?
Old white guys. Tweed jackets. Pipes. Smoke-filled rooms. It’s like a thing.
Why does Grendel kill in Beowulf?
Because if he did it it in Jane Eyre, it would be really confusing.
Why did Shakespeare put the witches in the play Macbeth?
Because he thought chicks would dig it and witches are cool.
How orangutan gets good and oxygen?
How does an orangutan get good? Same way as everybody else — practice! How does he get oxygen? Well, I’m no primatologist, but typically? He breathes.
How does point of view shape the response to a story?
Well, if your point of view is from underwater as the author of the story holds your head down so you can’t breathe, while he or she laughs uncontrollably, your reponse to the story is probably going to be pretty negative, wouldn’t you say?