Day: January 6, 2003

How to Be Funny
First, learn some funny jokes. This is imperative. Funny people know funny jokes. They’re not always telling funny jokes — that would be showing off — but they know them just the same. You can see it in their eyes. Which brings us to our next important point in being funny: funny people have funny eyes. If you want to be funny, get yourself some funny eyes. Put them in a pickle jar. Nothing says “funny” like a pickle jar full of funny eyes. Pickle jars are freaking hilarious. You know what? Forget about the eyes, just get yourself a pickle jar. I mean, really, where are you going to find a pair of funny eyes anyway? You can’t just buy them at the store. I know, I’ve tried. But pickle jars can be found just about anywhere. And they’ll only cost you the price of pickles. So just eat lots of pickles. Funny people eat lots of pickles. Buster Keaton, a comedy legend, once survived for eighteen years on a diet of nothing but seltzer water and funny pickles. I bet you didn’t know that, but it’s true! What, suddenly you’re better than Buster Keaton? Well la de da! I’ll be sure to tell him that when — oh yeah, that’s right. He’s dead. Which brings us to another important point: funny people are usually dead. You don’t have to be dead to be funny, but it couldn’t hurt. Charlie Chaplin is dead. Laurel and Hardy are dead. And can anyone really say that Bob Hope didn’t do his best work after they had shoveled him into his open yawning grave? What’s that you say? He’s still alive? Well, turn the page, read for a bit, and then come back. He should be dead by then. The man’s in his late nineties. Funny people are like that. They’re old or they’re dead and they could go at a moment’s notice. And if you want to be funny, you’ll be like that too. Sure, not all funny people are dead and not all dead people are funny, but are you really prepared to try and tell the difference? Funny people have more important things to do with their time. They’re always on the go — if they’re not moldering in the grave. They’re doing things the likes of which you can only begin to dream. Which brings us to our final important lesson in being funny: funny people are cooler than you. They have better hair, better skin, nicer shoes. They dress more appropriately, in brighter colors that are pleasing to the eye and flattering to the figure. And they don’t just pay lip service to bodily hygiene either, no sir. They wash behind those ears. They scrub between those toes. Funny people care about how they smell. Funny people smell pretty good.

How to Rob a Bank
First, find a bank. This isn’t as easy as it sounds. Don’t just assume that any big building with money in it is a bank. It might not be. It might be an aquarium. Ask yourself this: are there fish? If there are fish then it’s probably not a bank. At least not a very good bank. And you’ll probably want to rob a good bank. So do some research. Use the phonebook. They won’t be expecting that. And they usually keep banks listed right up front there in the Bs. But don’t think you have to rob the first bank that’s listed there, no sir. You’ll want to scout out your location. Bank robbers are always scouting out their locations. And they have getaway cars, too, so you’ll want to make sure you have one of them. Maybe a nice red one with plush interior. And anti-lock brakes are a must. So when you’ve gotten the car and you’ve scouted the location, your next consideration of course is the gun. Yes, it’s a sad fact, but guns play an important role in any successful bank robbery. You could try distracting the teller with a rambunctious puppy dog or a tasty piece of chocolate, or you could tell the bank manager that his mother is outside in the rain and you’ll just guard the vault for him, if that’s all right, while he goes outside to bring her a towel. But trust me on this, you’ll be better off with a gun and threatening to blow everybody’s head off if the motherfuckers move. And that way you won’t have to worry about the puppy dog piddling on the carpet. Just don’t lose sight of your main objective: getting the money. Many a novice bank robber has failed in his or her endeavors because he or she forgot to get the money. Or got arrested on the way out. Which brings us to perhaps the most important part about being a bank robber: don’t get arrested on the way out. You’re almost guaranteed not to enjoy it. Chances are, the big meanies won’t even let you keep the money for when they let you out of prison. So plan accordingly, and commit your escape plan to memory. Wear a disguise if you think it will help, and most definitely do not give your real name. Your getaway car should have a full tank of gas, and if you have to go to the bathroom make sure you do so before you leave.