I don’t know what you did today, but me, I spent way too much time making up “facts” about the new Robert Rodriguez movie Machete.
You could probably argue that any time spent doing this is too much time, but every man needs his hobbies.
It all started when Joe Hill posted the following on Twiter this morning:
Robert De Niro has twice won the Oscar. By coincidence, Danny Trejo cut a guy named Oscar in jail, a couple times.
He appended the hashtag #factsaboutmachete, and I decided to just run with it.
Anyway, here are the so-called facts I posted about the ex-Federale-goes-on-brutal-rampage-of-revenge movie:
Based on the novel of the same name by Jane Austen.
“The feel-good musical of the year!” raves Gene Shalit.
A spin-off of Hans Christian Andersen’s heartwarming holiday classic “The Little Machete Girl.”
Audiences will have to wait until the director’s cut to see Danny Trejo have sex in 3D with blue aliens.
Ever the Method actor, Robert De Niro served eighteen months in Congress to prepare for his role as Senator McLaughlin.
Machete was actually the name of his sled.
“Whosoever pulleth the machete from the stone shall be king,” proclaims a possibly inebriated Cheech Marin.
Follows in a long tradition of characters named for deadly weapons: Bullitt, Blade, Celine Dion…
Legend has it that to every age, a new Machete is born. Frankly, though, I don’t what Legend has been smoking.
In Japanese, Machete is known as Happy Sunshine Sharp Pointy Man.
An origin story in which Danny Trejo’s character is bitten by a radioactive machete was scripted but never filmed.
Be sure to stay through the end credits for a thrilling sneak peek at Machete joining the Avengers!
If you stand in front of a mirror and shout Machete! three times, Robert De Niro’s character will appear and deport you.
Machete’s blades may not be crafted from adamantium, but they still put the fear of god into that gringo Magneto.
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite, held aloft Machete from the bosom of the water…
A shocking twist in Martha’s Vineyard reveals Trejo to be Kyle Machete, formerly of the Kennebunkport Machete family.
A few other people got into the action, too. I particularly liked this from RichterCa:
Originally planned to be the next “Spy Kids” sequel, it was rebranded after children in test audiences cried for hours.
And this from TwittterRock:
He takes just like a Machete. And he aches just like a Machete. But he breaks just like a little girl.
Amazingly, I actually also managed to get a fair amount of work done, too. Today marked the last of my long summer-hour days. I have a half day tomorrow — provided Hurricane Earl doesn’t change those plans — and then I’m off until a week from Monday.
Maybe I’ll even go see Machete while I’m home…