Of all the phrases in the English language, there is perhaps none quite as evocative or as enchanting as "three-foot-deep penguin shit". Which is why many conservationists worldwide have recently taken such a keen interest in a far-flung corner of Antarctica, where penguin feces has reportedly become something of a nuisance, helping to destroy a hut built in 1899 by Norwegian explorer Carsten Borchgrevink.
"Borchgrevink's hut is literally being buried by guano," Nigel Watson, the executive director of the Antarctic Heritage Trust, told Alister Doyle of Reuters News. "It's a stinking affair."The hut is important, Watson adds, because it represents "the only example of the first human habitation on any continent. This is part of the story of human endeavor." Penguin endeavor, however, seems to consist largely of eating fish, swimming about, mating, and then later shitting at a prodigious rate all over the side of this century-old Norwegian hut. The putrescence-splattered hut receives an estimated 200 visitors a year (minus, of course, the penguins) -- although that number could significantly skyrocket to 201 if one member of the Penn State community has his way. "This is a golden opportunity for the University," says biology professor Roger J. Spasmodic. "Penguin droppings could be of untold value, both here and at Penn State's many branch campuses." While Spasmodic remains decidedly vague about specific value to the University -- "I don't know," he says, "it's got to be good for something, right?" -- he has recently asked his department to fund a twelve-month-long fact-finding expedition to the Antarctic, or at least to a bookstore in Altoona where he hears they have some really nice books about penguins. "Antarctica is really far away," he acknowledges, "and it's apparently pretty cold there, so we might have to settle for other alternatives." Although his request to the department has, of course, been denied (and the phrase "psychological counseling" has been tossed about more than once), Spasmodic maintains that it is critical for Penn State to capitalize on what he calls a remarkable penguin-related opportunity. "I still haven't worked out the logistics of getting it all here," he says, "but penguin shit like this doesn't come along every day. Or it does -- I guess almost half an inch of it every day at this rate -- but the point is, we have a wonderful resource here that nobody else seems to want. We'd have to be crazy to pass this up." When reached for comment, Spasmodic's superiors in the biology department noted, "Well, he's half right about that."Copyright © 2003 Fred Coppersmith